Guest/Host Etiquette Poll

[gnomi]

Disclaimer: This is something I've been wondering about for a while; it has nothing to do with currently scheduled guest/host interactions.


[Poll #1020066]

Comments

[llennhoff.livejournal.com]

There are some people I visit regularly that the custom is established that they won't let me bring anything, so I don't bother to ask. There is one family where the custom is established that I always bring something, so I also don't bother to ask.

I accept people's offers to bring things based on a combination of whether there is something we need, how badly they need to bring things, and how much I trust their understanding of kashrut. There are only so many people at one meal I can ask to bring whole uncut fruit!

[jesshartley.livejournal.com]

I prefer to play hostess when I can. The family tends to be kind of fussy about food (the Viking because of strong convictions about food preparation zone cleanliness and a bit of finickyness, the Valkryie because of strong finickyness), so it's often easier to just invite folks over and know they'll be happy with whatever I cook.

I do, however, always offer to bring something when we do go over to someone else's place. Usually it's easiest to offer to bring dessert, as that doesn't have to coordinate as much with the rest of the meal and is always welcome. As a hostess, it's an easy thing for me to respond with when others ask if they can bring something, and it's one of those areas where folks can make something or buy it, and can spend as much or little as they'd like time and money wise.

The only time I refuse to let someone bring something is when they're coming in from out of town or other situations where it would be a pain in the butt for them to do so, or if I've already planned an elaborate meal with "way too much" food (as opposed to my normal "too much").

[ragingpixie.livejournal.com]

I accept people's offer to bring something depending on the circumstance. If we invite friends over for a nice dinner, then I don't expect them to bring anything at all. If I'm hosting Girls' Night at my house, then I accept whatever people want to brng. If we're doing a backyard BBQ, then I usually grab onto people who offer to bring stuff and tell them yes, a salad or dessert or whatever. It really depends on what kind of thing we're hosting.

[d2leddy.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what Miss Manners says about this (but there are a few etiquette LJ communities that might help.

As far as me sometimes accepting and sometimes not accepting people's offers tobring an item to dinner . . . it depends on . . . I don't know what. I thinkmy responses are random.

[vbseth.livejournal.com]

We rarely have people over- so we have not had to address this question. For the most part, I prefer to keep it that way.

[tru2myart.livejournal.com]

I usually accept people's offers to bring things when I'm hosting but there has been the occassion when I'm hosting a bday party, cookout etc where I've already got everything covered and I'm a stickler about not having food that will go to waste.

And then too there are people in my life who offer to bring things and then bring something....not so good that nobody eats and they get mightily insulted so I tend to tell them they don't have to bring anything but themselves.

[byrne.livejournal.com]

I accept my guests' offers if I'm doing a fairly casual meal, or if it's family who are used to me forget something. *eyeroll* If I'm planning a potluck and someone asks what to bring I have a sheet of choices: "Well, we need two more salads. Would you care to bring a garden salad? Thank you!"

[yin-again.livejournal.com]

Re: letting others bring something - if it's a very planned out or themed meal (Spanish, Mexican, Carribean, or such), my preference is to do everything myself to keep to the theme. If it's more casual, I'll let others bring wine or a dessert. If it's super-casual, like a barbeque, bring everything and don't forget the beer!

Keep in mind that I am a hermit with no social life to speak of.

[samcdermott65.livejournal.com]

1. Sometimes the host says right up front that everything is covered. I usually bring something anyway. If I know that they like wine, I'll bring a bottle or something for dessert. Other times I offer.

3. I usually have everything I need when I have a get together. If someone wants to bring something anyway, it's appreciated.

4. I usually offer a beverage and list off what I have available: wine, water, soda, juice, etc. Sometimes a snack item too. I don't usually have too many snack items in the house though.

shari

[lensman.livejournal.com]

It's not so much that I offer to bring someting in that I always ask the host if there is anything they would like me to bring, so that I can coordinate whats needed.

Well I don't actually host all that often, I would accept the offer, but depending on what the event was I might have already over planned and would indicate that it wasn't needed... (Don't bring soda, if I'm running con suite, I almost always over buy.) :-)

[chaiya.livejournal.com]

Kashrus complicates this. When we first started keeping kosher, having non-kosher friends bring things was complicated -- did we allow them to bring food cooked in a vegan kitchen, for example? Did we require them to bring only things with a heksher? Explaining the guidelines was difficult because there are so many exceptions. Nowadays we suggest that if folks want to bring something, they bring fresh fruit or veggies for a salad or drinks or something, or they come early and cook something with us in our kitchen.

Similarly, I sometimes have difficulty figuring out what to bring when going to someone else's kosher home. I keep a different version of kosher than any of my Jewish friends, I think. I trust that I can bring things from my kitchen to a C or R home (or I ask if I'm uncertain), but if I'm going to an O home, I generally bring either a bottle of mevushal wine or fresh veggies or nothing at all, rather than risk treyfing someone's home with an unacceptable heksher or whatnot. (And I always assume that something cooked in my kitchen is unacceptable in an O home. There was one exception to this rule, but I don't socialize with that person any longer.)

In some odd ways, it's a relief when we have friends who don't want to bring something to the meal. On the one hand, we carry the full expense of the meal. On the other hand, we don't run into kashrus issues.

[glishara.livejournal.com]

If I am going to someone's house for dinner and me and my husband and son are the only invitees, I usually do not ask, but I will bring a gift along without asking -- a bottle of wine, fresh flowers, something like that depending on the tastes of the hosts. If it is a big gathering with a lot of people, I will usually ask if there's anything I can bring.

I will usually, similarly, accept offers for big parties, but if I'm just having a single couple over, I like to be able to control the meal start to finish, to present a unified effect, so I'll usually say, "Just the pleasure of your company!" (Unless it is my parents. I will always let them bring wine, because they have a wine cellar and we have... a package store.)

[tygerseye.livejournal.com]

I always offer and I offer with the expectation that the hostess might say yes. As a hostess, however, it took me a long time to accept that it's okay to take people up on their offers. I used to say no to everyone. Now there are some people who I will almost always say yes to like parents and close friends, and then some people whom I really want to feel like guests, and so I will thank them but say no.

[introverte.livejournal.com]

I offer to bring only if it's someone I'm very friendly with. If it's someone I don't know very well, or someone much older than me, I just send/bring flowers, wine, or a small gift -- ahead of time. I generally expect if I offer, that I will be bringing something. Somehow I've gotten known for making desserts, which is sort of a mystery to me, but I'm happy to do it.

As for guests asking me if they can bring something, I usually say yes and give them a category I need filled. Often vegetables, since I have no talent for them. Sometimes I ask if the guest has a specialty or favorite thing to make. Sometimes I have filled my menu completely and say, no thanks.

[dpolicar]

It really depends, and I'm not at all sure what it depends on beyond a vague sense of whether I think it would be appreciated and whether I feel like bringing anything.

[csbermack.livejournal.com]

Yeah, me too.

[twitch124.livejournal.com]

Me too. but I default to bringing a bottle of wine.

[doeeyedbunny.livejournal.com]

The gluten-free issue complicates things in terms of people bringing stuff.

[vbseth.livejournal.com]

Narf!-- when in doubt, go with Narf!

[gnomi.livejournal.com]

This, precisely, is why there's *always* a "Narf!" option in my polls. :-)

[mabfan.livejournal.com]

Narf!

[buxom-bey.livejournal.com]

I always mean to ask if I can bring something, but sometimes I forget. If somebody wants to bring something, I'm certainly not going to tell them no, but I will let them know if I feel it's uneccessary, so they're not obligated. I don't offer a specific item to guests, just if they'd like 'something', food or drink, what have you.

[eroticjames.livejournal.com]

What type of occasion usually determines whether I offer to bring something. Kid's B-day party-- probably not, unless I've very good freinds with the family - allthough I am the type (being slightly anal rentive about time) who shows up early, and says put me to work. Impromptu, adult parties I'll usually either offer or (if I know the person well enough) just show up with something in hand. At the very least a host/hostess gift of wine or such.

If people ask, I usually say yes and offer a suggestion depending on what I know of the person.

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

It depends on the situation, how well I know the people and when I've been there last. I might stop off before Shabbat with sugarfree cake or with wine.

Once I brought most of the meal, but it was an emergency.

For my own house - I don't ever expect gifts but if they bring something, I'll try to use it. This is often how I get dessert.

The exception are things like Thanksgiving - I'll take anything then.

[jenwrites.livejournal.com]

I don't offer if it's a family gathering, because my family is good at coming right out and telling me "Bring X!" if they need something.

[scarlettina.livejournal.com]

Usually I offer the much more general "something to drink," and then list whatever I have in the house.

[gingicat]

If I'm going to a frum person's house, I offer to bring fruit or bakery challah or grape juice, because I don't have a kosher kitchen.

On offers, it depends on (1) whether it will stress the guest out and (2) if I think they understand what I mean by "mostly kosher."

[ephemera.livejournal.com]

I almost always ask if there's anything I can pick up, or bring along, except with a certain circle of friends where it's established that they'll always say no (and they'll come to mine for dinner and I'd say no, too) or for certain types of gatherings, where I just show up with stuff (gaming, sparkly gatherings, BBQs)

And when a guest arrives I offer tea (and by implication all other hot and cold non alcoholic drinks in my house)

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

To reiterate a common theme among your commenters: Kashrut is most often the sticking point when guests offer to bring stuff to my house. So when they offer, I usually suggest beverage/dessert (because even if I've already shopped for those things, it's usually something easily stored for later instead). In general, though, if I am inviting someone, I plan to cover all the details myself, and it's no big deal to do so without contributions from guests.

The flip side is that in many other settings, I'm a bit worried about offering to bring something I've cooked because it means bringing my *cookware* into a non-kosher home...

Still, when invited, I generally try to offer to contribute. But then there are hosts like magid who are much foodie-r than I am, so it's carrying coals to Newcastle. :-) And I give up making the perfunctory offer once even beverages/wine start to seem superfluous. In general, though, I feel I should offer, because if the host is going to the trouble to have me, I should take some trouble to participate.

Conversely, if I'm having someone over who has previously hosted *me*, I am unlikely to accept their offer to bring something. (Unless it's, say, their home-baked challah....)

[magid.livejournal.com]

*blush*
Thank you.

I tend to think of most of the meal as a unit, with the foods I want to make this week, so even barring possible kashrut issues, I tend to say no thank you when people offer to bring food. Plus, I think I have a latent hostly thing about not having guests do/make stuff when I'm offering the meal. (Not necessarily a good thing, but it's there.)

*makes note to keep offering challah*
:-)

[cicirossi.livejournal.com]

If I'm doing a self contained meal, or if I'm co-hosting, I don't necessarily ask people to bring thing. If they ask what they can bring, I usually ask them to bring something they like to drink...

[chaos-wrangler.livejournal.com]

Another factor (besides kashrut) is carrying on shabbat: most of the times when we're at others' for meals is on shabbat and not within the same eruv, so we can't bring anything with us... Sometimes we'll bring something ahead of time (usually flowers since they go with any meal/dietary restrictions) but more often it's understood that we can't but we may treat some other time.

[cellio]

I said "always" for the first question, but it's really "almost always" ("sometimes" went too far). With certain people there's an established pattern (we reciprocate meals). And I'll generally phrase it as "is there anything I can bring?" rather than making a specific offer, unless they've told me enough about the menu that I actually have an on-theme suggestion.

As for accepting offers, it depends on the nature of the meal and kashrut issues. I enjoy planning out and serving a complete meal with some degree of formality. I also enjoy casual pot-lucks. Contributions work better for the latter. (My friends are mostly pretty good about the kashrut stuff. There's one person who sometimes comes to pot-lucks at my house who Just Doesn't Get It, and I always remind her to bring along her own serving utensils. We use disposables at those pot-lucks, so she's not affecting my stuff.)

There is one person from whom I accept the offer pre-emptively. Past experience has shown that if I say "no thanks; just bring yourself", she will bring something a little pricy like a nice bottle of wine or a box of good chocolates. I know enough about her finances to know that this is beyond her means. So if she offers to bring something, I make a specific request, choosing the least-expensive thing I can think of that fits and that I know she makes. And I will never, ever let her know that this is what I'm doing.

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

I generally don't offer. I generally feel I should, but ...
- I'm invited to very few meals, so I haven't gotten the habit down
- The meals/homes I'm invited to are almost always kosher
- I don't keep kosher myself; it feels weird to bring a prepackaged hechshered item
- I don't cook, like, at all; again, prepackaged feels weird
- I'm a vegetarian, so the prepackaged things I could bring are yet more limited
- I don't drink and so have no clue about alcoholic beverages

I've randomly brought flowers on occasion ... on Shabbat, which may have been an issue.

So I settle for feeling vaguely guilty and uncouth rather than actively getting it wrong. Not very mature ....

[pressburger.livejournal.com]

You know sometimes. Sometimes you feel like bringing something. Sometimes you want people to bring something. I mean if I'm going to you guys I know I have to offer to bring gazpacho. But with other people they may hate gazpacho.