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On Friendship (warning - rambly)
Oct. 2nd, 2002 08:39 amI lost a friend last night. Actually, that's not completely true, as he died on Friday. I just didn't find out until last night. And, anyway, I hadn't been in direct touch with him in over 10 years. But finding out that he had died really hit me. He's the first of my contemporaries to die, I believe.
I first met Seth when I was in 10th grade and he was in 9th. He'd just transfered to Maimonides, the school I attended from 4th through 12th grades. I don't remember exactly how we met, but I do know that, after not very long, I discovered that he and I commuted via the T at approximately the same time each morning. Often, he and I - and later, he, his brother Ari, and I - would meet on the train and we'd walk to school together. Other times, he or I would end up taking an earlier train and meeting the other one at the school building. At the time, he and I were the only two who arrived at the school that early (around 7:30, for a school day that started at 8), so we really had time to talk and get to know each other.
Once I graduated from Maimonides, I really didn't keep in much touch with Seth. I learned through friends and family that he'd gone to rabbinical school and that, eventually, he'd ended up at a congregation in Calgary (actually, the congregation attended by the daughter of a friend of my mother). So over the years, I got periodic updates of what was going on with Seth - he'd gotten married, he was enjoying living in Canada, he had first one and then a second daughter.
And then I heard that he'd gotten sick. He'd developed a brain tumor, and it soon became very clear that nothing could be done to treat it. So over the next year or so, I got periodic updates on Seth's health. He'd been declining over the past several months, so much so that he and his wife had left Calgary to be closer to her family for support. Some of his wife's reports were more optimistic than others, but it soon became clear that the end was inevitable. So his death wasn't a surprise, but it still has great impact.
And it's made me think about all the friends I haven't been good about keeping in touch with. Right now, there are a number of people (some of whom are on my LJ friends list, honestly) whom I know I haven't been as good about keeping in touch with. I have two good friends from college, both currently in New York, whom I've owed phone calls to for over a month. I use all the typical excuses - life is busy, the holidays take away my Sundays, I'll call them back as soon as I have time - but it all boils down to the fact that I haven't made my friends a priority, and it bothers me.
It was reinforced yesterday by another incident, as well. On Monday night, I found out that an old friend of mine - he (we'll call him Fred, though that's not his name) and I have been friends since we were in fourth grade - was in town from Israel and that he was leaving on Tuesday. He'd called me at my parents' house, as he wasn't sure that he had my current phone number, and my mom - knowing that MAB and I were out Monday night - gave Fred my work number so that he could reach me on Tuesday before he left for the airport. When my mom told me that Fred was in town, I was thrilled - he and I have many things in common, and he's one of my oldest friends. But when he called yesterday, I realized that since we're really only in touch once or twice each year, when he comes home for various holidays, we really have nothing to talk about anymore. Fred doesn't have e-mail, and I've become a really bad snail-mail correspondent, but I got Fred's mailing address and I'm going to try to write to him periodically so that he and I can reestablish the easy communication we used to have.
To all my friends out there reading this, whether I've been good at keeping in touch or not, whether I see you frequently or not, please know that I'm thinking of you and that I hope all is well with you and yours.
I first met Seth when I was in 10th grade and he was in 9th. He'd just transfered to Maimonides, the school I attended from 4th through 12th grades. I don't remember exactly how we met, but I do know that, after not very long, I discovered that he and I commuted via the T at approximately the same time each morning. Often, he and I - and later, he, his brother Ari, and I - would meet on the train and we'd walk to school together. Other times, he or I would end up taking an earlier train and meeting the other one at the school building. At the time, he and I were the only two who arrived at the school that early (around 7:30, for a school day that started at 8), so we really had time to talk and get to know each other.
Once I graduated from Maimonides, I really didn't keep in much touch with Seth. I learned through friends and family that he'd gone to rabbinical school and that, eventually, he'd ended up at a congregation in Calgary (actually, the congregation attended by the daughter of a friend of my mother). So over the years, I got periodic updates of what was going on with Seth - he'd gotten married, he was enjoying living in Canada, he had first one and then a second daughter.
And then I heard that he'd gotten sick. He'd developed a brain tumor, and it soon became very clear that nothing could be done to treat it. So over the next year or so, I got periodic updates on Seth's health. He'd been declining over the past several months, so much so that he and his wife had left Calgary to be closer to her family for support. Some of his wife's reports were more optimistic than others, but it soon became clear that the end was inevitable. So his death wasn't a surprise, but it still has great impact.
And it's made me think about all the friends I haven't been good about keeping in touch with. Right now, there are a number of people (some of whom are on my LJ friends list, honestly) whom I know I haven't been as good about keeping in touch with. I have two good friends from college, both currently in New York, whom I've owed phone calls to for over a month. I use all the typical excuses - life is busy, the holidays take away my Sundays, I'll call them back as soon as I have time - but it all boils down to the fact that I haven't made my friends a priority, and it bothers me.
It was reinforced yesterday by another incident, as well. On Monday night, I found out that an old friend of mine - he (we'll call him Fred, though that's not his name) and I have been friends since we were in fourth grade - was in town from Israel and that he was leaving on Tuesday. He'd called me at my parents' house, as he wasn't sure that he had my current phone number, and my mom - knowing that MAB and I were out Monday night - gave Fred my work number so that he could reach me on Tuesday before he left for the airport. When my mom told me that Fred was in town, I was thrilled - he and I have many things in common, and he's one of my oldest friends. But when he called yesterday, I realized that since we're really only in touch once or twice each year, when he comes home for various holidays, we really have nothing to talk about anymore. Fred doesn't have e-mail, and I've become a really bad snail-mail correspondent, but I got Fred's mailing address and I'm going to try to write to him periodically so that he and I can reestablish the easy communication we used to have.
To all my friends out there reading this, whether I've been good at keeping in touch or not, whether I see you frequently or not, please know that I'm thinking of you and that I hope all is well with you and yours.
